Andrew Cuomo is Innocent
And is a victim of anti-Italian discrimination.
If you follow current news you know that a horrific slander campaign is besieging what is probably New York’s best governor, Italian-American hero Andrew Cuomo. To see this beautiful nipple-ringed man’s name be besmirched should not just be taken as an attack on him, but to all Italians across New York, no, the WHOLE NATION. This is a man who has been racially discriminated against before, and yet still people are disgusting enough to attack this man.
You may be asking me at this point, “Allegations aside, didn’t he lie about the covid numbers in nursing homes, like, this whole time?”. And I just got one word for you, so listen close: Fuhgeddabboudit. Old people are gonna die anyway, who cares? And let’s be honest, most old people in nursing homes are white, so I reiterate: WHO CARES? Are you telling me you haven’t enjoyed living in New York while still paying the ridiculous state taxes to fund the museums and other gay shit you can’t even go to right now? Tighten your belt honey, your privilege is showing.
Now to these so-called allegations. If you live in New York and are a woman, like me, you probably get asked to kiss every third street urchin or bodega boy you see. I, of course, cannot speak for all women — some of us are fat after all. I know what you’re thinking. “But it’s catcalling and it makes women uncomfortable.” Guess what? Catcalling is synonymous with New York, and I would hate to see some of the last true authenticity of the city die out. As a matter of fact, cancelling catcalling is problematic within itself. Now before you call me crazy, riddle me this: If you cancel catcalling, are you not actively silencing black and brown voices? Yeah, that’s what I thought. It is not our place to correct or even question what their motives are, and there is nothing more rewarding than getting that kind of compliment from a BIPOC — even if it’s in the alleyway by DiFaggio’s Pizza.
And the face grabbing: look, if you’ve ever been around an Italian man, you know your face is just gonna be touched in some way by some body part. It’s simply a part of their culture and criticising it can be incredibly harmful. My fellow Italians can attest to going to family gatherings and ending the night with a sopping wet face and neck, and probably also Covid.
The point I’m trying to make is this: Andrew Cuomo’s only crime is simply being a regular Italian man in his 60s. The true crime is the media refusing to recognise and respect our culture. If we lose him, honestly what do we really have left? The Jersey Shore? Get da fuck outta hea wit dat. My final thought and prayer is hopefully the new Sopranos movie will be a hit and will save our brave leader Andrew “Fredo” Cuomo.
